Ducks in a Row

Having my ducks in a row

is the dream.

I watch mother ducks go

in what seems

as nature's natural intentions

of ease,

she just lets what is to be

be

Even those with a straggler

duckling

She moves forward knowing

they'll make it

where they are going

My ducks are not in a row.

I don't even have ducks yet

just eggs full of potential.

I don't want to count them

before they hatch

So I try to be the best momma duck

and move forward

knowing that the eggs I keep

Will someday burst open

and all my work will have paid off

all the potential possibilities will be

and I will be recognized

and everything will fall in line.

Someday,

I will have my ducks in a row.

-By Natosha Harp
8-17-17

A Minute for an Old Man: A short story

"Do you have a minute?" asked the stranger who was reading beside me on a park bench.

I smiled at the elderly gentleman. He had kind green eyes framed by black rimmed glasses. I was intrigued, and my pug seemed content chewing on a stick beside me, so I obliged.

“Why, yes, in fact I do.” I responded.

His smile grew as he responded, “You see, I just finished this book I was reading. And pardon my being nosey, but I noticed you carry a book in your bag. Do you like to read?”

“Yes, in fact I do.”

His smile grew to reach my face now as his eyes sparkled.

“Spectacular!” he declared, “I want to give this book to you.”

“Thank you, but I couldn't.”

“Oh, but you must.” He started to hand the book to me.

I looked at the book and back at him.

“I'm finished with this book, and I loved it. I learned my lesson from it and I want to share that lesson with you. You were so kind as to give me a minute, so please, let me give you this. Trust me, it's a thing I've been doing for a long time, and for you to take this and hopefully enjoy it as much as I have is my hope. I might not get another chance to do this.”

I again looked at the book and back at him. “Are you really playing the age card on me?”

He laughed and snorted “got me. Please take it.”

Then he got up and walked away, leaving the book lay on the bench beside me.

He whistled as he walked away, never turning his fedoraed head my way to ensure his gift was received. But it was. I picked up the book and put it in my bag.

“O.k. Lily, let's go home.” My pug stood at my utterance and we left the park.

After I got home I made myself hot chocolate and got into comfortable clothes. I curled up at the end of the couch by the fireplace, with a blanket on my lap and Lily my pug at my feet. I had to dive into this book. I felt drawn to it. My curiosity wouldn't have let me sleep otherwise. I cracked open this blue hardcover book onto my lap. After I read a good chunk of it, I noticed notes in it. Parts were highlighted and two or three letters were penned by it. The highlighted parts were good lines, but what did these letters mean? I got up for more hot chocolate. I wasn't going to be putting this book down for very long. I continued reading late into the night.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch. Lily woke me up in the morning with her need to go outside so she could come back in and eat. I got up and let her out. I started the coffeemaker and went to the bathroom myself. I let Lily in and got her some food. I poured myself some coffee with creamer and settled back into my spot on the couch. I picked up the book to see where I left off. I again got lost.

I figured out the letters were initials. As a few different names were left after some underlines instead of mostly anonymity. As the story unfolded and lessons were learned I began to wonder about the old man who gave me this book. There were so many who had read this book before me. What was he a part of? What had he gotten me into? I couldn't put the book down. I went to the park again and continued to read. Repeated last night's events and read into the night.

The next afternoon on the same park bench I finished the book. The very last line was followed by a handwritten note that said to turn the page and keep reading.

Where there used to be blank pages were instead written instructions.

I followed them and turned back through the book to find the part that spoke to me. I got out my highlighter and highlighted it followed by my initials. I flipped back to the back. The following pages were many added footnotes. All those initials came to life with why this story touched them the way it had and why those words spoke to them. So many people in different areas of their life read this same book. I was in awe.

I had always enjoyed books for their way to let me escape or learn. I had never really taken into consideration those before me who had read these books. Curiosity had driven me through this book. I was moved that that one moment of intrigue, sparked my curiosity, and lead me down this path of wonder opening my eyes. I wrote on a page added to the end how this book changed me.

I then had to follow the rest of the instructions.

As I was walking home Lily and another dog stopped to greet each other. I stopped too and noticed the other dog owner.

“Do you have a minute?” I asked.

“I can let my dog make a friend, what's up?” he asked.

“Do you like to read?” I asked.

“Yea, I do, Why?” He responded as he looked at me quizzically. I took a deep breath feeling nervous all of a sudden. I was not as smooth as my gentleman before me.

“I would like you to have this book.” I reached into my bag and presented it to him.

“Really?” He looked shocked. “I was just heading back from the library. I forgot it closed early on Sundays. I'm actually in need of a book, Thank you!”

My heart filled. This book had already been a positive impact on this guy, and he hadn't even cracked it open. “You are very welcome!”

We parted ways.

After work the next day I went to the bookstore and got a book. After reading it I reprint the instructions I had read into the back. I highlighted, initialed and explained what impacted me. I passed the book onto another random stranger.

I was going to be like that elderly gentleman and do this until the day that I die. Having that one minute to spare forever changed my life.

Chauvinistic pig ideas

I saw a meme the other day. It had a picture of laundry, dishes, cleaning products, and food on the stove. It had the caption: Things a man shouldn't touch if he has a woman.

sigh.

I went on a rant in the comments. I usually hold my breathe, but on some topics I just can't. Other women were mad too. Which got the responses: This got them fired up, Looks like these women need a man who brings home the bacon, and I knew it would get this kind of response.

ugh.

So I got heated and stated this:
If he cant touch those things with me, he cant touch my vag. He wanna be a dick and not help around our house, that we both contribute financially and by making messes, than he can only touch his dick to get off. I won't touch it. My sons will help with all of this shit too. Chauvinistic pig ideas need to stay in the past.

I know, not my best writing.

Which my response even frustrated me.
The thing is, I do most of these things. I primarily cook, clean, and do laundry. I didn't brag that though. I didn't want to feel I had to brag for these outdated ideas. Then it's just kinda wrong.

See, in my house nothing is expected. If my boyfriend comes home and the cleaning isn't done, or I haven't cooked, he understands I didn't feel like it and suggests going out to eat. That means a ton to me.
I don't expect him to do anything either.
So I feel that we appreciate each other for everything more.
If I cook dinner, he thanks me. I like to bring him his plate to show my love. Since its not expected, I can show my love that way.
I appreciate every time he does the dishes, straightens up, or takes out the trash.
He appreciates when the laundry is done or floors are vacuumed.

This is an equal partnership. We both mutually respect each other enough to understand when we dont feel like it, and when the other would love help, we both contribute to our home equally.

I feel that no expectation and greater appreciation makes my relationship really work.

Burning Bright

A strong tree

nobody gives notice

When the leaves are full and green

but oh, when the air breathes change

and the slow death of the past months

looks so beautiful as it just falls apart

Red, orange, and yellow like fire

that doesnt burn,

getting ready for a depression,

a season of just sleeping.

Oh, how beautiful slipping into

a dark and dormant state can be.

Burning bright before taking cover under a blanket of snow.

Natosha Harp
9-29-17

Systemic Repression

The Golden globes last night fired up more discussion on the topic of systemic repression. Thank goodness! I am in love with this era and how movements to make people truly equal are happening.

However, the opposite movements get brought up as well. Those that feel left out.

Well, this fight is about systemic repression, much like the last talked about one was. Both of these fights need to be on going until further change is made.

Yes, I'm talking about the #MeToo and the #Blacklivesmatter movements.

In the Black lives matter movement, people wanted to bring up that all lives matter, or that white lives and cop lives mattered too. Well of course that's true! However, those lives have always mattered! The point is that the system has repressed a certain skin color to the point that they seem like less, and their lives seem to add up as less. The system has made it to where a skin color scares you. Therefore, they get shot more because when they get pulled over or searched, no matter how innocent or guilty they are, the cop is more scared and threatened just because of their skin tone. The more you fight that "they do it to themselves" the more you feed into this systemic oppression. Do you think that when you argue that white people get killed by black cops or other white cops that that helps the argument? There are good and bad white people. There are good and bad black people. There are good and bad in every race and culture. However, the system sets certain ones up for failure more often. So it goes had in hand with cops killing them wrongfully. To fix the whole system, we need to start with the weakest link, which is realizing that black lives matter. Once that link is fixed, we can move onto the other races, yes even eventually getting to the whites and cops. Then truly all lives will matter. Until then, recognize what the system has done and stand with #Blacklivesmatter.

Now this systemic repression has also been against women. Women are not represented in government, upper management, and in many fields of jobs. Hand in hand with that is the sexual harassment of women in the workplace. Women have been repressed by the system to only be good if they are pretty objects. We are made to stay at home, or only be in certain professions, and we are weak and lesser than men. So of course powerful men use that and will harass and sexually assault them. Women have been made by the system to keep quiet. We are blamed if we speak up. We are impure. We are picked apart instead of looking at the accused. The one who sexually assaulted is to blame. So when others start to speak up that men can be victims too. Yes, this is true. However, men are not systemically repressed, so right now, this is not about you. The weakest link is women. Go research the numbers. It is staggering. Way too many women are affected. So once we get that fixed, of course we will help out the men that obviously matter too. But we can't fix the whole system at once, so until women aren't repressed by the system anymore, we need to side with the #MeToo movement. Until there is no longer a global bias towards men, we need to side with #Timesup.

Can we keep the spotlight on the ugly truths for a bit? Let the squeaky wheel get oiled first? Stop pointing out that everyone matters when there are way too many instances where there are people being made to feel like less of a person.

I support #Blacklivesmatter
I support #Metoo
I support #Timesup

Thank you Golden Globes for sparking another discussion.

Keep talking.
Until talk turns into change.

Who has the Time

Time is a social construct.
I was taught its ways. Being a type A personality I planned out my life according to societies standards. I wanted structure, so I accepted the constraints on how life was supposed to go. The dream was to marry my high school sweetheart. We both go to college together. We graduate and then get dream jobs. Find the perfect house, white picket fence and all. We have perfect children. Have a family and work balance. Go on family vacations. Send my kids off to college. Then retire having lived the perfectly happy life.
However, things never go according to plan.
I tried to force it.
I wanted to be the exception.
It could happen for me.

I got a high school boyfriend.

I had written a note to a guy that I talked to. He had the locker next to mine. He never responded to any of my hints.
I was dating a guy from work at McDonald's, but I knew that relationship wasn't going to work. He was too nice, there was no spark.
After a basketball game, there was a dance, and finally the guy I'd been hinting to danced with me. He said he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
I later learned it was only because I had big boobs that his friends talked him into dating me.
I told him I would, but I needed to break up with the guy from work. Then a week later we could be official. He agreed.
A week later he missed school. Maybe he didn't want to be with me.
The next day we became official, I swept my doubt under the rug.
Then we did couple things. We were happy high school couple.
One day, when we were in his room, he said I should wear my cousins ring, because he thought we should get married. I agreed and was excited. I had my high school sweetheart.
Everyone at school was happy for us.
I ignored red flags.

I got into every college I applied to.
He did not.
But we were supposed to go to college together. So I compromised. I'd go to a branch. I could transfer to the big university, and he could prove to be worthy.
We were both going to be doctors.

We got married a year after graduating high school.
Everything was on track to being perfect.

Except, it wasn't. I ignored more signs. I suffered to keep up an appearance. Society told me that marriage was work. So I worked. I worked and worked for perfection.
Until I couldn't.

I pretended up and through my graduation.

Then I had to separate and get a divorce. With that divorce, I fell apart. Everything I had tried to build, was gone.
On top of it. I didn't get into medical school.
Every single thing I worked so hard for.
For nothing.

I lost who I was.
All due to the idea that I had in my head, that happiness was how well you perfected the dream in time.
I forced situations to force happiness.
And in the end, I had lost who I was.
How could I be happy, if I wasn't me, but another sheep following the herd.

I will not simplify my life into check marks next to lists made for others.

So many red flags ignored.

The high school fights.
The lies.
The manipulation.
The cheating.
The fights.
All swept under the rug, so the appearance could be kept.

And now my house is a mess. I have yet to use my college degree. I have no husband. No kids. No house. And I'm almost 30.

When the elderly ask what I'm doing. Why do I have none of these things?

I'm only thirty. What is the rush?

Yes, I still want all of these things, but I rushed the first time, and it set me back. I don't want anymore setbacks.

I just want to be happy.

I'll get there.

My type A personality still has me planning.
But I've learned that they don't have to be written in stone.
And if time is a social construct,
Then I want to be antisocial.

Watch me bloom

So, part of the reason that I am writing this, is my need to self reflect.
It has been brought to my attention that I have a need to fix things. I put myself into situations where I can fix them. I work in healthcare, so I help people in order to help fix them. All of my past relationships have been men who have needed help and me to fix their situation. The men I could not fix. But I have realized that I perpetually try to fix things in order to ignore what really needs fixed, and that's me.
I have had a lot happen to me, and I have buried it all and moved on. However those seeds of hurt have started to grow and consume me. I can no longer sow in others gardens to watch the grass get greener and the flowers bloom there and be happy.
I have finally surrounded myself with happiness and I'm working on not self sabotaging. Because when things get good, the hurt in me tells me that I don't deserve to be happy, and that something is going to ruin it all. Normally, somehow, that something is caused by me. I choose to ignore red flags and stay in situations that I shouldn't. I deserve it, right?
Wrong.
I deserve to fully heal, and realize that I deserve to be happy. And I deserve to reach my goals, I know I can do it.
So I am going to write about everything.
The good.
The bad.
The ugly.
The beautiful.
The pain.
The hurt.
The growth.
The pleasure.
But most of all, the lessons learned from them all.
If I confront myself, hopefully I can conquer my fears.
I can learn to love myself.
Will you accept me to?
Fuck it. I don't care if you do.
I'm doing this for me.
but hey,
maybe in seeing my story, you may learn to confront yourself and love you too.
I'm gonna bloom and blossom.
Watch me.

College Friends

This morning I woke up to a text from two of my college friends saying that thry wanted to hang out. I was so excited! It has been at least three years since we had seen each other last! We have tried to see each other a few times, but our schedules didn't allow it.

These are two from a group of five of us that were inseparable in college. We slowly became five by the end of sophomore year. Then Junior and Senior year we took everything together. We studied together after class. We had a special place in the library that was ours. So much so ours, that there is a picture of us in our spot plastered on the walls in the student union. I felt for sure we would be friends forever.

One went to medical school.
One went to Physician Assistant School.
One went to anesthesiologist assistant school.
One went to biology informatics.
And I didn't get into Med school, and struggled to get a roof over my head after a nasty divorce.

The last time we really saw each other was graduation.
We were all supposed to get together again at the wedding of one of the women in our group. However, I didn't have reliable transportation at the time. I was devastated that I had to miss.

The following Christmas a few of us got together to visit. We decided to visit our friend in his hometown and city where his university was located. We were going to go tobogganing, but the weather didn't permit. So we explored his university, road the buses, went to a book shop and a pastry shop, bought a carton of water, went out to eat for lunch and dinner. It was so much fun!

So when I woke up to a text asking if we can try to make that trip happen again I was excited! I know that I'm still the loser friend who doesn't have her shit together, but I'm trying to adult now! I want to catch up and see how they are doing! I always knew we are all destined for greatness.

With college friends you have to understand thst you meet in a place where everyone is trying to figure out who they are. We found each other then and bonded. Then we graduated and hoped for the best. Most succeeded in going on to the next step. Soon we will all get thrown into the realities of life and will have to navigate it with what skills we've obtained.

I hope that in the years to come that all five of us can get together again and bond like we once did. Be the fab five that conquerors the world.

But until then I hope I can at least meet up with these couple! Though we live in opposite corners of the state, I hope we can grow close again! I've really missed them!!!

Here we go again

It's that time of year for resolutions, and of course everyone decides to get healthier. That's not a terrible thing. Giving up is what's terrible. Also, doing fad diets is terrible. Yo yo dieting is worse than just being fat. Which is why I really just need to be healthy. So, I'm making daily habits instead.
About a year ago, I reached the goal of 80lbs lost. That was a huge feat for me. The picture is of me showing that result. My ultimate goal was 100 total. Fifty of it was due to eating better, exercising, having a personal trainer, and being stressed less. My divorce was a huge motivator. It was finally time to worry about me. Ten months went by and I hadn't lost any more. So I started drinking a gallon of water a day and walking a mile a day. That helped me lose 30 more pounds. I was happy there, but so close to my goal.
Then I got with the love of my life. Then I went on vacation. Then the holidays. And before I new it, I was back up 20 pounds. I had stopped exercising as much, watching my portions, and drinking water.
But now, I'm happy, but I also need to be healthy for me. I want to be healthy for when I have kids. I want it to not be a struggle, but the way I live. I don't want my kids to struggle with their weight.
So, last month I started keeping track of everything again.
From December 2017 to December 7th 2018, I want to lose a pound a week. A totally feasible, measurable, and manageable goal. My plan is to drink 64 ounces of water a day minimum. To do 21 Day challenges through a fb group and a fitness app that uses body weight training. And to walk two miles at least every day after work, for a minimum of three times a week. I will cut back on carbs and increase my protein, after doing a food diary on my phone helped me realize my imbalance. I will do one meal replacement protein and balanced nutrition shake for lunch at work. I will update my progress and struggles. I will include more pictures as well. Hopefully I can encourage more people to just change to being more mindful of small habits that can make a gradual but beneficial lifestyle change. Best wishes!

Gotta start somewhere

We are supposedly an adult at the age of 18 years old. It has been ten years since I've technically been an adult, and I think I'm about ready to conform to its true meaning now. The last ten years have been a whirlwind. I graduated high school, got married, went to college, graduated from college, got divorced, hit a lot of bumps in the road, and now feel like I'm on my feet again. I'm going to share with you my journey in doing so. This blog will include my adventures in traveling, cooking, weight loss, love, opinions, random thoughts, poetry and looking back on what got me to where I am. This will be much like my life so far in the beginning, very bumpy. But I plan on trying to write something daily. I just want to share my messy story. I will enjoy writing it, so I hope you enjoy reading it!!!