Watch me bloom

So, part of the reason that I am writing this, is my need to self reflect.
It has been brought to my attention that I have a need to fix things. I put myself into situations where I can fix them. I work in healthcare, so I help people in order to help fix them. All of my past relationships have been men who have needed help and me to fix their situation. The men I could not fix. But I have realized that I perpetually try to fix things in order to ignore what really needs fixed, and that's me.
I have had a lot happen to me, and I have buried it all and moved on. However those seeds of hurt have started to grow and consume me. I can no longer sow in others gardens to watch the grass get greener and the flowers bloom there and be happy.
I have finally surrounded myself with happiness and I'm working on not self sabotaging. Because when things get good, the hurt in me tells me that I don't deserve to be happy, and that something is going to ruin it all. Normally, somehow, that something is caused by me. I choose to ignore red flags and stay in situations that I shouldn't. I deserve it, right?
Wrong.
I deserve to fully heal, and realize that I deserve to be happy. And I deserve to reach my goals, I know I can do it.
So I am going to write about everything.
The good.
The bad.
The ugly.
The beautiful.
The pain.
The hurt.
The growth.
The pleasure.
But most of all, the lessons learned from them all.
If I confront myself, hopefully I can conquer my fears.
I can learn to love myself.
Will you accept me to?
Fuck it. I don't care if you do.
I'm doing this for me.
but hey,
maybe in seeing my story, you may learn to confront yourself and love you too.
I'm gonna bloom and blossom.
Watch me.