Religion put me through hell.

As a young teen I wanted to escape my childhood home as much as possible. No where was safe though. My mom ridiculed and tried to keep us from going to my dads. My friends were “bad” influences. I could only stay at school in clubs and such for so long given that I would need rides home. So I turned to the one place I thought my mom could not ridicule. Church. 

In the beginning, the Church saved me. I was vulnerable. I was young. I was naive. I needed to know connection and love. The church would come pick me up on a bus. They showed me compassion. They showed me family. They showed me love. 

But then I started to actually learn. They taught us hell. They taught us sin. They taught us fear. They taught us that other religions were wrong. They taught us that Christian was the only way. They taught us to judge and feel superior. It felt wrong. 

But my Grandpa was the main person I looked up to. So I tried for him. 

But then slowly, everything I did was wrong. 

I had sex. I married the person I had sex with to try to right this wrong. But asking him to get saved before marriage was wrong. Not taking a course in how not to get divorced was wrong, because I risked my pastor’s reputation. I still got married, under God, in a church. 

My grandpa wrote me a letter. Said God told him my choices I was making would send me to hell. 

I tried to do right by God. But my husband abused me. He abused me mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually, and physically. But no matter how subservient I was, things got worse. 

So when the abuse came to a head, I did wrong by the church and by my pastor and got a divorce. 

I was told I would have disappointed my grandpa. 

Religion told me that I was wrong for having sexual desires. That my body was sinful. That the only way to control it is to avoid it. Abstinence. Save myself for marriage. 

But the body is beautiful. Responsibility over it is beautiful. 

I was not given the tools for what I should do after I tripped up, sinned, and had sex. 

I was shamed. That taught me nothing. To try to right my wrong I did worse. 

After my divorce I was left homeless. I tortured myself. 

God was not there. 

This all knowing God let this all happen? Planned for it? 

I volunteered at the children's hospital. What was the purpose of God giving these children Cancer and disease? 

I see elderly with dimentia. 

I see abused children 

I see those wanting to commit suicide

I see the assaulted

I see the unheard persons of color

I see the discrimination

I see the sexually assulted and raped

I see the homeless

I see those fighting to get by

I see those hurt by gun violence

    By police, by war

I see those struggling with their bodies

I see those struggling with their sex

I see those struggling with all of the glass ceilings set out by a society that was formed on the Freedom of Religion. 

That was formed as one Nation Under God. 

And yet. 

Religion is why so many wars are started

Religion is why there is judgement

Religion is why there is hatred. 

Religion is the root of evil. 

Being on earth now is hell. 

And looking back on my past. The best thing I did to avoid hating myself and to move on in Love. 

Was to let Science explain it all. 

Science saved me. 

Love saved me.