I'm a Cicada among four leaf clovers

 A few days ago I found my 108th four leaf clover. 

My DNA test told me I’m 74% British Irish. 

Given these facts I should be pretty lucky. 

A few instances of luck come to mind. But I’ve never been lucky enough to catch a break. 

I’ll admit it. As of late, I have been a shitty friend. I am struggling to grasp at so much in my mind. I faced another set back. If you can call it that. When most people have a set back, it somehow them propels them forward onto better things. Their set back was actually a set up for much better things. They catch a break and are better for it. 

I hit a set back, and instead of then launching me forward, something snaps. And I must completely rebuild my circumstances to try to get ahead again. And forward progression always feels so out of reach. 

I crave stability and consistency, yet I am forced to start over again and again and again to try to better myself. 

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others. But I am constantly on the sidelines cheering for everyone else in my life. Seeing them cross milestone after milestone, I cheer and am happy. But then look at my path and am disappointed. I have no reason for people to come stand and cheer for me. 

My younger sisters have husbands and homes. Middle one has kids. 

All of my friends are pregnant right now. 

All of my friends are upgrading their cars. 

My friends are getting the raises they deserve and have careers. 

They are progressing like adults should.

And I work my ass off, to basically get a slap in my face of a raise at work. What does that mean? I am supposed to look for a new job, start over again. But where? How? Do I go back to school? I really thought this job would be my forever job. 

On top of that, I was really hopeful of getting a house soon. If I got a raise and a home, then the rest of my life didn’t need to fall in place yet. I could be more patient waiting for a family, or plan to adopt, or whatever. 

But the house thing was also a slap in the face and the housing market is trash. 

So yay. I’ll be 32 next month and resigning my lease to stay in my crappy apartment for another year. Looking for a new job or going back to school, while still fighting for the one I have to hopefully realize what they have. But in the back of my mind, I can’t find the motivation because, why if I will just be left disappointed at the outcome again. I don’t know why things can’t just work out for me. 

I’m losing control of things I hoped I had a grip on. And I have been spiraling a lot. I’ve been in a dark place pushing my friends away. I felt bad standing on their sidelines and not cheering but being jealous. Standing on the sidelines being so damn envious. Obviously I want to be happy for them. Just because my life isn’t where I want it to be doesn’t mean they should all halt progress on theirs. 

So instead I have been drinking and making new friends. Friends who can’t be pregnant, or have grown kids, or are also unhappy with work. 

But being hungover has sat with me so wrong. 

I want so damn badly to wake up sore from running around with kids, or mowing, or working on my house. 

Not because I numbed too much. 

Fuck being numb. 

I started to try to climb out of my darkness. I am trying to regain my footing on my path. I have no choice. Wasting my time not moving forward isn’t going to get me to any milestones either. I just want to see a small victory. I just want to give people a reason to celebrate me. To be proud. More than look at her still on her path despite all the speedbumps and slow pace. 

I want to adult so damn bad. 

So, maybe I need to take drastic actions. I need to hyper focus on myself and what will fuel me to what I want. No more cheering for everyone and being there for everyone. I can’t spread myself so thin. I need less distractions. More of what helps my fire burn brighter. I need to make my path more about making me happy and less about making others happy. 

If I could be so lucky to catch a break. 

Or at least an idea of why my desires of a career, home and family are so unobtainable when I’m just trying to do things the right way. 

And I am sorry to my friends who I have been shitty to. I love you, and you deserve my loudest cheers. I am happy for you, I just am struggling to recognize happiness, so sharing it with you seems impossible. 

Thankfully there are things in my life that give me hope though, all is not lost. Maybe that is where my luck has been. Just in stopping me from completely giving up.

While shedding this darkness, I might just join the cicadas, put on red eyeliner and scream. Taking me 17 years to fucking adult too. I feel it.