Operation: Get Moving!

 

It is time! I have grown so much during covid. I have been working on healing old wounds, finding myself, finding love, and knowing my worth. I am working on finding a healthy balance and routine in my life, now that things are returning back to “normal”. 

My theme for this transition? Get moving! 

I am literally moving out of my one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. This place has served me well since picking up everything I could and planting myself in the city I now call home. This place allowed me to get on my feet. But it has been seven years. The housing market still looks dismal. So instead of continuing to hold my breath, I am moving to a bigger place. That way I can feel improved and still hold out for my dream home. 

In this process of moving I plan on going through EVERYTHING to get rid of what no longer serves me and who I want to become. I have hoarded in the past due to never having enough in past years. I know I can find a way to make use of anything, but I know longer need to. I now get to be selective of my craftiness. I can decide if I want to. I am moving on from fear of loss, and lightening my load. 

Getting moving is for more than just actual relocation of where I call home though. I also am working on finding my healthy habits. I am running 5ks again. I want to train and improve. What I love about races is the atmosphere of everyone trying to be their best self for a bigger purpose. It’s fun and rewarding to just finish something hard. It helps you measure your improvement. I want to improve, so I need to be consistent. I need to strength train as well. I know that my body is not built like others. I am built for strength. So I need to do more strength training. I need to stretch and mentally recover as well. I plan to add in yoga after I get my strength training regularly. I will figure out a walking/running schedule. But more than anything, my goal is to just get moving! 

Lastly, with all of this. I plan to move on from a lot of unhealthy relationships. I have been working on the relationship I have with myself the most. I am realizing who I am as a person. I am realizing why I made mistakes in the past. How I let others down. Why I fail myself the most. I am growing from this knowledge and taking the lessons with me. However, I do not need to continue to hold onto every person I have encountered and valued in my life for forever. Some people were there for me for a season, for a spring, in order for me to learn and grow. Some lessons were hard to learn, but I will never forget what value those hard lessons offered me. I do not want to play victim and make anyone out as bad. But I need to move on from the presence of certain others in order to actually use the lessons I learned and not dwell in the past. I can move on with my life and they can move on with theirs. 

I think I also hoarded people. I have collected acquaintances over the years because growing up I moved too much to keep friends. I have always collected new to cover up all the ones I have lost. I am always scared of being forgotten and alone. I have not valued myself as a friend because I always felt I didn’t have enough to offer when I have struggled. I have gotten jealous. I have gotten used. I have made soul connections that are just good people sharing good vibes. I have been there for people when they needed just anybody. But I know that in trying to friend so many, I have failed at being a good friend to all. So I have been slowing falling back. Covid helped me step back to see who I truly needed, and who truly wanted me in their life. I now am working to tighten my circle and treat those within it right. 

This operation get moving will help my growth into my desired future. I am moving up closer to where I have hoped I could be. I want a home and family and career that I love, surrounded by friends that can be my community. Moving on up!

Religion put me through hell.

As a young teen I wanted to escape my childhood home as much as possible. No where was safe though. My mom ridiculed and tried to keep us from going to my dads. My friends were “bad” influences. I could only stay at school in clubs and such for so long given that I would need rides home. So I turned to the one place I thought my mom could not ridicule. Church. 

In the beginning, the Church saved me. I was vulnerable. I was young. I was naive. I needed to know connection and love. The church would come pick me up on a bus. They showed me compassion. They showed me family. They showed me love. 

But then I started to actually learn. They taught us hell. They taught us sin. They taught us fear. They taught us that other religions were wrong. They taught us that Christian was the only way. They taught us to judge and feel superior. It felt wrong. 

But my Grandpa was the main person I looked up to. So I tried for him. 

But then slowly, everything I did was wrong. 

I had sex. I married the person I had sex with to try to right this wrong. But asking him to get saved before marriage was wrong. Not taking a course in how not to get divorced was wrong, because I risked my pastor’s reputation. I still got married, under God, in a church. 

My grandpa wrote me a letter. Said God told him my choices I was making would send me to hell. 

I tried to do right by God. But my husband abused me. He abused me mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually, and physically. But no matter how subservient I was, things got worse. 

So when the abuse came to a head, I did wrong by the church and by my pastor and got a divorce. 

I was told I would have disappointed my grandpa. 

Religion told me that I was wrong for having sexual desires. That my body was sinful. That the only way to control it is to avoid it. Abstinence. Save myself for marriage. 

But the body is beautiful. Responsibility over it is beautiful. 

I was not given the tools for what I should do after I tripped up, sinned, and had sex. 

I was shamed. That taught me nothing. To try to right my wrong I did worse. 

After my divorce I was left homeless. I tortured myself. 

God was not there. 

This all knowing God let this all happen? Planned for it? 

I volunteered at the children's hospital. What was the purpose of God giving these children Cancer and disease? 

I see elderly with dimentia. 

I see abused children 

I see those wanting to commit suicide

I see the assaulted

I see the unheard persons of color

I see the discrimination

I see the sexually assulted and raped

I see the homeless

I see those fighting to get by

I see those hurt by gun violence

    By police, by war

I see those struggling with their bodies

I see those struggling with their sex

I see those struggling with all of the glass ceilings set out by a society that was formed on the Freedom of Religion. 

That was formed as one Nation Under God. 

And yet. 

Religion is why so many wars are started

Religion is why there is judgement

Religion is why there is hatred. 

Religion is the root of evil. 

Being on earth now is hell. 

And looking back on my past. The best thing I did to avoid hating myself and to move on in Love. 

Was to let Science explain it all. 

Science saved me. 

Love saved me. 

From Floating on to Paddling

 

I am ready for fall, Autumn.

I am tired of this hot and miserable summer.

It mostly rained anyways.

Sounds a lot like me still trying to adult.

Surprise, I am still struggling. I know you are not surprised, because I make my struggles very known. But my storm cloud was over me much like it was over this summer.

The clouds have left my shine darkened. Thunder has shaken me. And lightning left me shocked and burnt instead of inspired.

And we all know that when it rains, it pours.

Lately I have been questioning why I wasn’t prepared with an umbrella? Would an umbrella even helped? Rain coat? Boots?

But those questions only aide in me drowning in my sorrows. And while it was good to feel the rain, I can’t stay there. Going with the flow for a while helped me not stay stagnant. But I eventually needed to actually try to paddle.

And I have been paddling. After my whole race and life on track blog post, I really broke through with a lot mentally.

I started to make an effort to things I wanted in my life.

Yes, I still have this need to help people, be there for people, and love people. But I have had to scale back a lot. And man, it is tough. I still care for everyone. I am just caring for myself more.

The only person I have given more of my time to is my boyfriend. But with him everything is different. He has helped me to continue on my growth. We talk through so many things. And with him I can breathe. All of my planning and forcing things to be in place, have kind of stopped. With him I am just sure. That is huge for me. I still plan on a lot, but timelines now seem irrelevant. All I know is I want more time with him.

 

And in spending more time with myself for myself, my adulting is getting better again. I am eating healthy more regularly. I am exercising more regularly. Reading again. Writing more. Organizing more.

There she is. The happy not depressed me. The me whose ideas and planning and creativity keep me afloat.

 

I am trying to be more consistent and routine so that I can depend on myself. I crave it, so I am finding it to give to myself.

 

With that I am hoping to blog more. I know that I am not afraid to express myself. I talk a lot, I am opinionated, I think in weird ways, and write it all down to make sense of it. I hope that my words can spark something in others. I hope they can be a helping hand, an interest to learn more, a contrast to debate, or a story to not feel alone. I am hoping that my ideas on expressing my thoughts will also continue to be therapeutic.

I'm a Cicada among four leaf clovers

 A few days ago I found my 108th four leaf clover. 

My DNA test told me I’m 74% British Irish. 

Given these facts I should be pretty lucky. 

A few instances of luck come to mind. But I’ve never been lucky enough to catch a break. 

I’ll admit it. As of late, I have been a shitty friend. I am struggling to grasp at so much in my mind. I faced another set back. If you can call it that. When most people have a set back, it somehow them propels them forward onto better things. Their set back was actually a set up for much better things. They catch a break and are better for it. 

I hit a set back, and instead of then launching me forward, something snaps. And I must completely rebuild my circumstances to try to get ahead again. And forward progression always feels so out of reach. 

I crave stability and consistency, yet I am forced to start over again and again and again to try to better myself. 

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others. But I am constantly on the sidelines cheering for everyone else in my life. Seeing them cross milestone after milestone, I cheer and am happy. But then look at my path and am disappointed. I have no reason for people to come stand and cheer for me. 

My younger sisters have husbands and homes. Middle one has kids. 

All of my friends are pregnant right now. 

All of my friends are upgrading their cars. 

My friends are getting the raises they deserve and have careers. 

They are progressing like adults should.

And I work my ass off, to basically get a slap in my face of a raise at work. What does that mean? I am supposed to look for a new job, start over again. But where? How? Do I go back to school? I really thought this job would be my forever job. 

On top of that, I was really hopeful of getting a house soon. If I got a raise and a home, then the rest of my life didn’t need to fall in place yet. I could be more patient waiting for a family, or plan to adopt, or whatever. 

But the house thing was also a slap in the face and the housing market is trash. 

So yay. I’ll be 32 next month and resigning my lease to stay in my crappy apartment for another year. Looking for a new job or going back to school, while still fighting for the one I have to hopefully realize what they have. But in the back of my mind, I can’t find the motivation because, why if I will just be left disappointed at the outcome again. I don’t know why things can’t just work out for me. 

I’m losing control of things I hoped I had a grip on. And I have been spiraling a lot. I’ve been in a dark place pushing my friends away. I felt bad standing on their sidelines and not cheering but being jealous. Standing on the sidelines being so damn envious. Obviously I want to be happy for them. Just because my life isn’t where I want it to be doesn’t mean they should all halt progress on theirs. 

So instead I have been drinking and making new friends. Friends who can’t be pregnant, or have grown kids, or are also unhappy with work. 

But being hungover has sat with me so wrong. 

I want so damn badly to wake up sore from running around with kids, or mowing, or working on my house. 

Not because I numbed too much. 

Fuck being numb. 

I started to try to climb out of my darkness. I am trying to regain my footing on my path. I have no choice. Wasting my time not moving forward isn’t going to get me to any milestones either. I just want to see a small victory. I just want to give people a reason to celebrate me. To be proud. More than look at her still on her path despite all the speedbumps and slow pace. 

I want to adult so damn bad. 

So, maybe I need to take drastic actions. I need to hyper focus on myself and what will fuel me to what I want. No more cheering for everyone and being there for everyone. I can’t spread myself so thin. I need less distractions. More of what helps my fire burn brighter. I need to make my path more about making me happy and less about making others happy. 

If I could be so lucky to catch a break. 

Or at least an idea of why my desires of a career, home and family are so unobtainable when I’m just trying to do things the right way. 

And I am sorry to my friends who I have been shitty to. I love you, and you deserve my loudest cheers. I am happy for you, I just am struggling to recognize happiness, so sharing it with you seems impossible. 

Thankfully there are things in my life that give me hope though, all is not lost. Maybe that is where my luck has been. Just in stopping me from completely giving up.

While shedding this darkness, I might just join the cicadas, put on red eyeliner and scream. Taking me 17 years to fucking adult too. I feel it. 

Christmas Magic

Christmas magic just hit me hard. 

I have gone nuts this year buying gifts for everyone. 

Why? 

I just love seeing others happy. 

But, things don't make happy. 

Right? 

But when you grow up with out things

and you grow up without love. 

You give love. or what you think is love. 

And since the idea of love is so foriegn and ungraspable at times. 

We give it in other ways. 

Give it in gifts. 

Tangible. Me to you. 

I put thought and hard work and love into it. 

Take what I never had. 

Be better from it. 

No more suffering. 

No more sad. 

Just love and Christmas magic. 

Being Good Enough

Being good enough

What if it was never, that you weren't good enough FOR someone

But that you weren't ready FOR what was meant for you. 

Every person that was wrong taught you something. Hopefully about yourself. 

Through that, you grow. And you become more right for what is right for you. 

You are good enough. 

In fact, you are better than what you keep choosing for yourself. 

Until you realize that and rise to the occassion and love yourself enough, you will be too good for whatever situation you put yourself, choosing to let yourself down. 

Choose you! Choose happiness! Choose to heal yourself and love yourself! 

Then everything just fits into place. Things feel right. The choices feel easy. 

AND you are enough!!!!

Yea, days still suck. But I feel enough, and being enough I know that I can speak my truth. Be it my anger, sadness, fear, joy, happiness…..

and in being myself. All of it is more than bearable. 

My life has meaning and feels full. 

I'm not living it FOR anyone but myself. 

I'm good enough for ME. 

Who am I? I'm Jack, of all trades

 I am a jack of all trades

Which is a blessing and a curse. 

It means I can talk to just about anyone about one of my interests. It means I can have something in common with anyone. 

The paint brush painted wide strokes and many colors which fascinate me and draw my eyes to different focal points. 

The problem then comes in finding my other half. Someone who can match my aesthetic. 

I need someone who likes most of what I like so My focus can drift and I don't get bored or feel like I'm settling. 

I'm a fucking jig saw puzzle. 

I love sports. My teams are Browns, Cavs, Indians, FCC and Cyclones. I like to go to at least two football games a year and one of everything else if I can. I play fantasy football. 

I love music. Pretty much anything but country and heavy metal. Live shows are my favorite. I try to go to three shows a year. Festivals are better because people are free to be their weird self. 

I love space. The night sky. Its vastness calms me. Dawn, sunrise and sunset. Clouds from above. Nature fascinates me. I love the dirt and getting my hands dirty. I badly want a garden and pots everywhere full of plants. Bodys of water and forests are always a source of energy as well. Thunderstorms are everything. The smell of just after a thunderstorm is one of my favorites. Walking through the woods, or down a beach. Swimming in a pond or ocean. Playing in a creek. All replenishes my soul. 

I find joy in crystals and rocks and fossils for this reason. 

I also love zoos, museums, and libraries. I want to absorb as much knowledge as possible. I love books. Books are my calm place. They comfort me. When I meditate it is actually by a fireplace surrounded by books that I can align myself and breathe.

I love helping. Volunteering to help the underdog in any way. Help any that are less fortunate. I volunteer, donate money regularly. I do walks and runs. Runs are also good for enjoyment and health. 

I love culture. I want to experience as much of the world as possible. I love anime, comic con, renaissance festivals, food festivals, trying new food, and going new places. 

I love art. I love things that people don't see as creative and appreciating it for the art that it is. Any craft is beautiful. I try my hand at so many and enjoy them. Photography, painting, drawing, oil pastel, interior design, fashion, knitting, scrapbooking, journaling, writing, dancing, building, Broadway, movies, tv shows. I want to try clay, and stained glass, and mosaics, and resin. I want to write a book. I write poetry and quips all the time. 

I love the holidays. I want a wreath for every season and holiday. I want to decorate the fireplace mantel. I want family traditions. Activities, movies, bonding fun. 

I feel like my past robbed me of so much, that I want to squeeze every good thing there is out of life while I can. I want to harvest that energy and make good of it. I want to never fear having nothing again because within myself I am capable of it all. I have survived and I will keep surviving. I will fight to help others survive. I will tell my story and see the silver lining in everything to have the power to get through it all. 

Living is so damn beautiful. And the fear and pain have only let me see that the bottom isn't so bad. But when I get the good, it will be so beautiful. 

How do I find this matching energy, and passion, and thirst for life? 

While also just wanting to clean a home, garden, binge tv shows, and laugh with my family and kids. I want to know love. 

I want to experience unconditional love. 

So learning that the full saying is:

Jack of all trades, master of none. Though oftentimes better, than a master of none. 

I am complex as they come, and yet. It is better that I am learning to love myself, than to win the love of many. 

I love every fucking jig saw piece of myself. I love that I am a jack of all trades. I love me, and because of this, I am finding love I’ve always craved.