Easter: What is this holiday???

Today is Easter.
Happy Easter!

But I'm sitting here wondering what this day means to me.
I had to work last night, and I work tonight.
I don't have kids.
I sit here and think this holiday would be so much more enjoyable if I had kids of my own.
But why?
What am I celebrating????

See, I lost my religion a while ago. I grew up going to church every chance I got. I volunteered on Sundays to get to go in earlier. I'd come in Sunday nights and Wednesday nights for youth church. I studied my bible and tried to do everything right.

I believe my religious views helped push me into my marriage by me trying to do the right thing. Even though my pastor didn't want to marry us.

After I was married I drove through town to the hospital to visit my grandpa so he could see me. That was the man I wanted to walk me down the aisle. He was my rock.
Not long after that he died.
The man who prayed for hours every day.
The man who was the next best to the pastor.
The man whose voice on the answering machine asked those who called if they had Jesus in their hearts.
He had to go to soon.
Not long after I had a lady at work asking for me to help kill her. And I broke. Why did my grandpa have to be taken when he wanted to live? This woman would have gladly taken his place. I tucked her into bed and tried to kiss her goodnight with reasons to wake up the next morning.

My faith as I knew it left a sour taste in my mouth. My life fell apart after I tried following all of societies rules. Organized religion is no longer for me.
In church I learned other religions were wrong.
In college I took a world religions class and opened my mind and my heart.
I am spiritual, but not religious.

So I sit here today and wonder what Easter means to me.

Jesus rose again from the ultimate sacrifice of death.

Maybe I need to rise again. I sacrificed so much of myself in my past to please others. I was like a zombie. Performing acts to say I did them, none of them really making me happy. Maybe today I should recognize that I don't need to sacrifice my happiness. I am putting myself out there to share my struggles. I am seeing a psychologist to get help. I can let go of my stronghold on failure. I can take it as a lessened learned and grow from it. I can be renewed to who I want to be every day if I want to.
Finding eggs could be finding those reasons to hope. Finding the sweet joys that make us happy. I can decorate hard boiled eggs to show what Hopes I am wanting to create for myself. The Easter bunny could be leading me to a teatime celebration with loved ones, friends, and family. New life will be celebrated surrounded by those I want to be my best self with, those who will help me be my best self and I will help them be theirs. Filling baskets full of things I want an abundance of for my loved ones.

That sounds good to me.
Easter this year was a dinner with a best friend and her parents. She definitely supports me being my best me, and I support her as well. I worked, but another of my best friends was there for lunch and breakfast, she also supports me being my best me and I supporting her. Work is helping me move forward towards my goals. I am getting help to move past my past that killed my spirit. I want this spring to help my rise again and be able to smell the spring flowers and smile.

Easter can mean something to me now.

I hope your Easter is everything you want it to mean to you!!!

Happy Easter!!!!