Marching forward : Getting off the struggle bus of February

March for me is going to be above moving forward, and marching ahead with my goals.

I admit that I have been struggling these last few weeks and have been getting in my own way. I have been riding the struggle bus hard! My goals to be healthy and exercise, to start studying to go back to school, to pick up hours to have extra money for needs have all come crashing down on me at the end of this last month.

I had a panic attack

I had to go to work this past Sunday, a day that I picked up extra. And I woke up with this feeling of dread. All morning my heart felt like it was racing and my head was pounding. I felt helpless and sad, so I refused to be productive and ate leftovers for dinner. It came time to get ready for work, and as I was getting my clothes together to get ready I started to get tears in my eyes. I exited my closet, looked at my bed and started crying. I had to let it out. I took off my glasses and knelt by my bed. I was crying an ugly cry and I wasn't sure why. I was beginning to struggle to breathe. I laid down on the floor on my stomach. I told myself to breathe. I laid there until I found air again and my tears stopped. I forced myself to get up and get dressed for work. My dread still sat heavy on my chest, but I welcomed the destruction of work so I went in.

I have never been diagnosed as officially having them or having anxiety or depression, but I did finally schedule a doctor's appointment to get it started. After telling a few people about these episodes they all tell me it sounds like a panic attack. I am moving forward in getting it checked out, which is huge for me because I hate talking on the phone to strangers for things. I also hate the stigma behind anything possibly being wrong. But I hate the feeling I had too. While I am scared of feeling numb, I am hopeful that sometimes maybe I just feel too much and to feel a little less might help. Maybe the doctor will tell me something completely different, but the best part is I'm finally asking for help.

Do I bring this onto myself?

I haven't had a panic attack in a long time. Maybe because I've felt kinda in control of things and hopeful. But lately I've felt defeated and like everything is slipping out of my grasp.

Is it my own fault?

I love to plan! I make plans for everything. I set goals constantly. I make lists of lists I need to make. I guess I have a need for structure. When one of these goals or plans fail, I tend to already have back ups in place, so I can bounce back. However, when many fail I begin to doubt myself. When I get in my head like that it's a domino effect to eventually shut me down.

So am I ultimately setting myself up for failure?

I am not happy with where I am now. So I can not just sit here and do nothing. I need to move forward. However, I also need to try to find happy in the now, so my setbacks aren't such a blow.

Obstacles

I need to recognize what all is holding me back. I am accepting that part of it is mentally. So I set up my doctor's appointment.

Another issue is physically. I need to slowly form habits that are healthy. Right now I am triggered by things to have a negative result. I need triggers to set forth positive reactions.

Time is an issue which is another avenue I can put forth some structure. I'm trying to learn what is important to me and why. I am learning how putting that in my life will help me more. Scheduling that instead of rewarding myself with food or tv time to be lazy. Also, I'm getting old, so I need to grow up.

Lastly it's money. This is my biggest trigger. Ever since my horror of a year in 2014, I have been struggling to get a grip on things. I am trying to rebuild my credit, and getting there. I am trying to pay off my debts, and getting there. My biggest debt is a couple thousand to free up my Diploma so I can apply to go back to school, I am struggling, but trying to get there.

So I overwork myself and get burnt out. I am making headway, but it never feels like enough or fast enough. To fight burnout I reward myself with concert tickets or art supplies. However, I then feel guilty for not putting it towards my goal. So I put myself in this vicious cycle. I almost started a go fund me account to help with this last push to help me go back to school. Maybe I could get a couple hundred people to just give me ten bucks to help me get back into school. However, my guilty conscience and my hate of feeling like I'm begging is holding me back. I will just continue to work my ass off and deprive myself of somethings and eventually I'll get there.

Marching forward

So, I broke down last week. I'm picking up the pieces and am trying to take meaningful strides forward. I am trying to focus on what's important to me. My mind: positive thinking, balance, learning. My body: eating better, exercising. My soul: What are my triggers and why, gain clarity and understanding.

I will work hard to get back to school.

I will work hard to be healthy.

I can do this!!!!