Three month curse

Up until I started dating my ex husband, all of my relationships only lasted 3 months.

That killed any self esteem I could have gathered growing up.
A huge part of it, I'm sure of now that I look back, was that I moved a lot before high school. But still, every guy only lasted a few months. Like a ticking time bomb, I was someone a guy could only handle for so long.

My first kiss was in second grade. He was a boy that lived in the trailer park next door. He had dark hair and was funny. Trying to show off on his bike riding up my driveway, he skidded out. He ended up scraping his knee and crying. I decided he looked cute after he had a bandaids and the barely there tears in his eyes. So I kissed him. But I was never his girlfriend.

I crushed on so many guys. But I didn't ever really date. I was a flirt. But I never seemed good enough to the guys I liked.

There are moments I remember fondly, and moments that really hurt.

I remember one church outting. I don't know why we went here, but we went to a beach and were there really late. I remember walking on the beach holding this guys hand. We were in step, and the sand squished between our toes. The moon shown on us. And it seemed like a good moment to like confess a crush. But we didn't. or at least I didn't. We might have hugged. But I'll never forget that feeling of almost.

One sweet guy I dated, I just think I was too much for him. I wrote him notes, and I mostly only saw him at church on Sundays and Wednesdays. I think when it started to almost happen more, he couldn't handle it. He was never his outgoing funny self around me, so it was ok. It just hurt.

I cried at school and had a teacher comfort me to a breakdown. A guy I was seeing broke up with me in a note on our three month dating anniversary. I was devastated. I could see more with him. I'm still not sure why he left me, which is what hurt the most I think. I still picture us laughing and rolling around on the grass. The teacher was his mom. And funny enough, he wasn't supposed to be allowed to date anyone in high school. But she made the exception for me. She comforted me with words I still hold dear to my heart.

I crushed on many more bad boys though.
The ones that I desperately sat on my porch waiting for them to walk by, even though he hardly ever acknowledged me.
The guy that was older, and didn't want to date me because "what would his high school friends think of him dating an eighth grader", but tried to stick his tongue down my throat and grab my boob when he sat on my bed once.
The guy that would call me to talk and say nice things, but would make fun of me when others were around.

Of course there were ones I broke off too.

But for the most part, I felt cursed to just three months. I was not loveable. I constantly wrote in my journal about not being good enough for anyone.

Looking back, three months is even shorter than it felt then. I read through my journals and I feel my hurt. I always saw more in these boys than I should have, and felt more, and planned more.

To look back now at the boys. To see the men they grew into. To see the woman I turned into.

To think that I married the first guy who lasted longer than three months. Wow. Why? Why was I so desperate to grasp at finding love?

I still struggle to understand why someone stays with me. I have had few adult relationships. But I still question if I'm loveable, because for most of my life Ive been not good enough.

Three month curse. Such a silly thing that I believed. I hope I can look back and think my not believing I'm good enough will seem silly too.