I just read about a trauma response called ultra-independence.
And, wow, that hit home for me.
I didn’t like my childhood and wanted to run away from it,
and I ran right into the arms of my boyfriend at the time. I felt like I couldn’t
manage everything myself, so I married him in order to escape.
However, I ran right into the arms of trouble. I tried for
years to make it work. I couldn’t do it alone. Until everything hit me, I had
to.
I got out of yet another bad situation and found myself
homeless. I told myself I would never depend on someone so much ever again.
That lead me to choose men who needed my help instead. I
fixed their problems instead of my own. I sought out connection, but never a
true partnership. I insisted on mainly only depending on myself.
I have trust issues. How can I trust someone to be there for
me if all goes wrong again?
I have done with a lot of my relationships. I depend on only
myself for myself. But I give my all to others to have that connection. I don’t
ask for anything in return, because then I might depend on that return and not
get it when I need it.
I have been healing though. I have been recognizing and
reflecting. I have been distancing myself from friends who only ask for support
but never give it.
I have stopped seeing guys who I didn’t feel I could trust
enough to lean on when the times get tough.
I find it makes things difficult, and lonely. But I must
trust myself to learn to trust others. So, I need to raise the bar of what I expect.
I am not my trauma; I am no longer the victim of my trauma.
I am past all of that. I am recognizing my wounds and healing them. It is
messy, but I love myself more for doing it.
